They just keep on rolling in...
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Secrets
There is a topic on the SP bulletin boards that has me intrigued: Why are we fat? It made me think about why I am fat. How did I get fat? I read the other posts and was amazed by how honest people were being. I believe that the ability to recognize why we are fat will help us live healthier lives, rather than simply diet.
But, there were a couple of posts that started to bother me. They said things like: these are all "excuses"--not, reasons...or, people "chose" to be fat. I think these criticisms could be detrimental to some people, even to those who make the comments. I know that I never made the big decision to get fat or to live an unhealthy lifestyle. In actuality, I made a lot of small decisions that led to me getting fat and helped me live an unhealthy lifestyle.
When I look at my life, I can see how I ended up making these decisions. There are so many outside factors that helped me make the decision: it wasn't all just ME. Along with this fact, I also know that these factors don't define me, nor do they take away from the fact that I did make my own choices. However, I know that I won't be able to keep making better choices now, and in the future, if I don't recognize and understand the things that helped me make the bad or unhealthy choices. I want to explore the things in my life that taught me how to make unhealthy decisions, or events and people who made choosing the unhealthy options easier. A lot of these will be secrets that I've kept to myself.
For me, getting fat was because I kept secrets. Revealing them is a huge part of how I will make healthy decisions and choices from now on.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Secrets, Continued...
I admitted a secret to my husband this weekend. I told him that I used to hide how much I ate. I told him that I’ve done this my whole life. It started as a child. I hid food in my house. My mom was obsessed with having a flat stomach and making sure her thighs didn’t rub together when she walked—then, she became obsessed with my weight. I was, after all, a massive 10 pounds when I was born (or so she always told me, until I saw my birth certificate). –By the way, I hardly consider a 10 pound baby, or any newborn, as fat.— Having a baby was what led her to her first fat picture, which she carried around with her at all times as a reminder not to eat. While she starved herself, surviving on tart, green apples and spicy beef jerky, I learned how to hide how much I ate from her. My grandma supplied me with little snacks that I hid in my room. Home alone after school, I would eat a bowl of ice cream in the bathroom, hiding the empty bowl under the sink if she came home before I could wash it in the kitchen.
In high school, I bought candy bars and packages of brownies and hid them in my room. Instead of throwing the incriminating wrappers away, I let them accumulate under my mattress and behind my bed—almost as if I wanted my mom to find them, which she eventually did. Boy, was that a fun day! She told me I had a serious problem. She was right, I did.
As an adult, I’ve always hid how much I eat. When I discovered alcohol, I often hid how much I drank (not saying I’m an alcoholic, but drinking went hand in hand with the pleasure of eating). I could control how much I consumed and control how much other people knew about what I consumed. On nights my husband worked late, I would eat and eat and eat. I couldn’t stop until he got home. I would feel awful, my stomach full and bloated. I would think, again, why can’t I force myself to throw up? Why can’t I be like my mom?...because, that’s what mom did after she broke down and ate: threw it all up.
Eating out or at the houses of friends and family, I tried to always eat less than everyone else, so they would think I didn’t eat as much as I really did. I’ve even volunteered to clean up after dinner, so I could eat more as I put leftovers away…when nobody could see me. I was allowed to help myself at my grandma’s house, but I still snuck into the kitchen whenever I wanted to snack. Although she wouldn’t have cared or judged me for eating, I still didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.
How much I ate was a secret from everyone, I didn’t even want to know how much I ate.
Wow. I just typed whatever I thought…it was a stream of consciousness: a free write. I can’t believe I used to be that person. It is so much easier, and feels better, to be so open now about what I eat, how much I exercise, and how much I weigh. Sometimes it seems hard, but it feels much better to be honest. No more secrets.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Motivation, where are you?
I haven't been motivated to exercise lately. I've been sick this last week, so I haven't felt very guilty about cutting back on my cardio. BUT, I also know that the week before getting the cold, I was already starting to drag my feet when it came time to exercise. I don't know why I suddenly don't want to do it. At the same time, I find myself craving that feeling of strength when I'm working out. I miss the good feelings I have after working out. I even miss the drenching sweat! I just can't find the energy to do it. I'm going for a long walk today, plus moving some boxes to our new apartment, so I should get some moderate exercise in. By the end of the week, I hope to work back up to my heavy duty kickboxing and aerobic routine again. Hopefully, I'll have kicked this cold out the door by then.
But, oh, why is motivation so difficult to keep a hold of?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Surveying the Damage: Surviving Christmas
So here we are, the day after Christmas. I have an arsenal at home, a stockpile of cookies, rocky road, fudge, choclate covered pretzels, pumpkin bread...all homemade and personalized. All the loving gifts of friends and family. Some of it is leftovers from the gifts I made for others. None the less, this landmine of sweets is scattered throughout my kitchen. I did pretty well over the holiday weekend. I know I burned a lot of calories moving and ice skating, but I also consumed a lot of extra, yummy calories. I still lost a pound over the weekend though!
I am so ready to show the sweets the back of my hand, shake my head defiantly, and eat healthy! I'm going to go home today and have a smoothie instead of a cookie, a salad instead of fudge, and workout instead of wine. Tomorrow, I'll bring a lot (but not all) of the leftovers to work and unleash them on my co-workers. But, it is oh-so-hard to pass up the tempatations...until I look in the mirror and see how far I've come, and how far I still have to go!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The reality of it is...
that I used to want to lose weight, but never did anything about it. The fact that I'm losing weight now is because I took control of the situation and made it happen. Losing the pounds, and the inches, is scary. It forces me to see how much I can accomplish when I really want something. I was unhappy with how I looked and felt, so I made some goals, and changed my lifestyle. How is that scary, you say? Well, if I can do this, and reach my goals with this, then I must do it in all areas of my life. And, that is scary! I have to admit, though, that it is also exciting. If I can take control of my health, then what is stopping me from taking control of the other things in my life that aren't fulfilling?
The answer is ME!!! I'm the only thing standing in the way of accomplishing all my goals and feeling fulfilled in life. I am the one who makes the choices about my life, and how I live it. So, if I'm unhappy, then I'm the one who needs to make the changes--I cannot wait for things to change, I need to make the changes. That's a lot of responsibility, but seeing that I can do it with this weight loss really helps. I feel stronger emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Of course, I have a long way to go, but that is life, isn't it?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Secrets
There is a topic on the SP bulletin boards that has me intrigued: Why are we fat? It made me think about why I am fat. How did I get fat? I read the other posts and was amazed by how honest people were being. I believe that the ability to recognize why we are fat will help us live healthier lives, rather than simply diet.
But, there were a couple of posts that started to bother me. They said things like: these are all "excuses"--not, reasons...or, people "chose" to be fat. I think these criticisms could be detrimental to some people, even to those who make the comments. I know that I never made the big decision to get fat or to live an unhealthy lifestyle. In actuality, I made a lot of small decisions that led to me getting fat and helped me live an unhealthy lifestyle.
When I look at my life, I can see how I ended up making these decisions. There are so many outside factors that helped me make the decision: it wasn't all just ME. Along with this fact, I also know that these factors don't define me, nor do they take away from the fact that I did make my own choices. However, I know that I won't be able to keep making better choices now, and in the future, if I don't recognize and understand the things that helped me make the bad or unhealthy choices. I want to explore the things in my life that taught me how to make unhealthy decisions, or events and people who made choosing the unhealthy options easier. A lot of these will be secrets that I've kept to myself.
For me, getting fat was because I kept secrets. Revealing them is a huge part of how I will make healthy decisions and choices from now on.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Secrets, Continued...
I admitted a secret to my husband this weekend. I told him that I used to hide how much I ate. I told him that I’ve done this my whole life. It started as a child. I hid food in my house. My mom was obsessed with having a flat stomach and making sure her thighs didn’t rub together when she walked—then, she became obsessed with my weight. I was, after all, a massive 10 pounds when I was born (or so she always told me, until I saw my birth certificate). –By the way, I hardly consider a 10 pound baby, or any newborn, as fat.— Having a baby was what led her to her first fat picture, which she carried around with her at all times as a reminder not to eat. While she starved herself, surviving on tart, green apples and spicy beef jerky, I learned how to hide how much I ate from her. My grandma supplied me with little snacks that I hid in my room. Home alone after school, I would eat a bowl of ice cream in the bathroom, hiding the empty bowl under the sink if she came home before I could wash it in the kitchen.
In high school, I bought candy bars and packages of brownies and hid them in my room. Instead of throwing the incriminating wrappers away, I let them accumulate under my mattress and behind my bed—almost as if I wanted my mom to find them, which she eventually did. Boy, was that a fun day! She told me I had a serious problem. She was right, I did.
As an adult, I’ve always hid how much I eat. When I discovered alcohol, I often hid how much I drank (not saying I’m an alcoholic, but drinking went hand in hand with the pleasure of eating). I could control how much I consumed and control how much other people knew about what I consumed. On nights my husband worked late, I would eat and eat and eat. I couldn’t stop until he got home. I would feel awful, my stomach full and bloated. I would think, again, why can’t I force myself to throw up? Why can’t I be like my mom?...because, that’s what mom did after she broke down and ate: threw it all up.
Eating out or at the houses of friends and family, I tried to always eat less than everyone else, so they would think I didn’t eat as much as I really did. I’ve even volunteered to clean up after dinner, so I could eat more as I put leftovers away…when nobody could see me. I was allowed to help myself at my grandma’s house, but I still snuck into the kitchen whenever I wanted to snack. Although she wouldn’t have cared or judged me for eating, I still didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.
How much I ate was a secret from everyone, I didn’t even want to know how much I ate.
Wow. I just typed whatever I thought…it was a stream of consciousness: a free write. I can’t believe I used to be that person. It is so much easier, and feels better, to be so open now about what I eat, how much I exercise, and how much I weigh. Sometimes it seems hard, but it feels much better to be honest. No more secrets.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Motivation, where are you?
I haven't been motivated to exercise lately. I've been sick this last week, so I haven't felt very guilty about cutting back on my cardio. BUT, I also know that the week before getting the cold, I was already starting to drag my feet when it came time to exercise. I don't know why I suddenly don't want to do it. At the same time, I find myself craving that feeling of strength when I'm working out. I miss the good feelings I have after working out. I even miss the drenching sweat! I just can't find the energy to do it. I'm going for a long walk today, plus moving some boxes to our new apartment, so I should get some moderate exercise in. By the end of the week, I hope to work back up to my heavy duty kickboxing and aerobic routine again. Hopefully, I'll have kicked this cold out the door by then.
But, oh, why is motivation so difficult to keep a hold of?
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Surveying the Damage: Surviving Christmas
So here we are, the day after Christmas. I have an arsenal at home, a stockpile of cookies, rocky road, fudge, choclate covered pretzels, pumpkin bread...all homemade and personalized. All the loving gifts of friends and family. Some of it is leftovers from the gifts I made for others. None the less, this landmine of sweets is scattered throughout my kitchen. I did pretty well over the holiday weekend. I know I burned a lot of calories moving and ice skating, but I also consumed a lot of extra, yummy calories. I still lost a pound over the weekend though!
I am so ready to show the sweets the back of my hand, shake my head defiantly, and eat healthy! I'm going to go home today and have a smoothie instead of a cookie, a salad instead of fudge, and workout instead of wine. Tomorrow, I'll bring a lot (but not all) of the leftovers to work and unleash them on my co-workers. But, it is oh-so-hard to pass up the tempatations...until I look in the mirror and see how far I've come, and how far I still have to go!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The reality of it is...
that I used to want to lose weight, but never did anything about it. The fact that I'm losing weight now is because I took control of the situation and made it happen. Losing the pounds, and the inches, is scary. It forces me to see how much I can accomplish when I really want something. I was unhappy with how I looked and felt, so I made some goals, and changed my lifestyle. How is that scary, you say? Well, if I can do this, and reach my goals with this, then I must do it in all areas of my life. And, that is scary! I have to admit, though, that it is also exciting. If I can take control of my health, then what is stopping me from taking control of the other things in my life that aren't fulfilling?
The answer is ME!!! I'm the only thing standing in the way of accomplishing all my goals and feeling fulfilled in life. I am the one who makes the choices about my life, and how I live it. So, if I'm unhappy, then I'm the one who needs to make the changes--I cannot wait for things to change, I need to make the changes. That's a lot of responsibility, but seeing that I can do it with this weight loss really helps. I feel stronger emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Of course, I have a long way to go, but that is life, isn't it?
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