And, the Reflections Go Marching On!

We are getting closer and closer to the present. I promise.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Why is it so hard...

...to make healthy decisions when you don't feel so great? I've had a horrible headache all day--like there is a pressure pushing down on me. My jaw feels really tight, I've gotten a little dizzy a couple of times, and this damn sore in my mouth (where I nicely bit my cheek) is really hurting. And, I want to go home and exercise. I want to get on that treadmill and sweat. But, nothing sounds more appealing than curling up on my couch, or in bed, cuddling up with my kittens, and closing my eyes. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Carrying Sparks with me Everywhere

I was in the shower the other morning, my little radio shower cranked to a rarely found unfuzzy station, and a song came on that an SP friend mentioned to me. I sang along, and thought about just how much SP has spread into my life. Small things remind me of something one of my SP friends has said. We were grocery shopping this last weekend at Trader Joe's and I decided to buy the No Pudge Fudge Brownies. My husband looked at me questioningly. I told him, "I've heard it's really good!" He asked who I had heard it from, and I replied: "Oh, you know, from people on SP!" Comments like that don't even faze him anymore--he's used to it. It just feels so good to have the social aspect of SP to carry around with me. It helps to know that other people are on this journey too. Everyday it becomes easier to make more and more healthy decisions, and I believe a huge part of that is because I've gotten so much support from the friends I've made here.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Frustrations of Progress

Wait, progress is frustrating? Well, sometimes, when the progress is slow. I know that losing weight slowly is the key to keeping it off...but come on! I only lost 0.4 pounds this week, and I'm working my butt off. Okay, I'm not really bitter. I'm actually thankful for a lot of things. Like: 1. The other day I was thinking about how great I will feel when I reach my goal. Oh, wait, when did "if" become "when"? I no longer think "if I reach my goal" but "when I reach my goal". 2. I don't mind my own reflection anymore. So I'm not as thin as I want to be, but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror (or window reflections). I think I look good! 3. I feel a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to be so self-conscious about my own body. Now I just have a good time and don't even think about how my body looks, but how it feels. And it feels good to laugh and chat and be merry.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

On the Eve of Valentine's Day...

I'm feeling pretty good. My weight loss has slowed down, but I'm still losing! More importantly, I feel good. My clothes are getting so loose--they don't look good because they are toooo loose, and that is cool with me. Rather too loose than too tight, right? I can put all of my "fat" pants (the ones I bought because of my weight gain) on and off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I looked in the mirror last night before getting into the shower. I'm starting to look better naked. Even the husband is commenting on it. Really though, the bag of my legs look so much better! My butt is getting smaller! My thighs are getting smaller. The boobs are getting smaller too, which is okay because they were getting too big--I couldn't find cute bras in the right size. I'm also so much more active. I was on the treadmill today, and started reading a book. I thought I would take it easy today and read (because I have to concentrate to read and walk at the same time, so I have to walk slower than usual). Well, my body had other ideas. I had to put the book down so I could start jogging. It was as if my body craved a harder workout. That feels good--pushing myself, wanting to see how much I can do, how far I can go. My husband and I have become so much healthier this year. For Valentine's Day, we are not giving each other gifts, but appreciating our healthy hearts.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Fitting Room Safari

I wrote this poem last year, when I was actually a size 16...but saying 14 worked better with the language of the poem. It has been published in a small Hawaiian review...but it is my favorite. People always laugh at the right times when I read it at open mic's.

FITTING ROOM SAFARI
Sized fourteen woman—shops in an exotic land,
a jungle. She eyes the belted waistbands
of size ten tiger striped pants with desire;
snakishly long dresses, tags say six, require
tucked in stomachs, bellies must not expand.

Then, the perfect tube top. Imagine suntanned
shoulders, iced coconut and rum, soft sand.
Size two, bright as a parrot, the entire
top perfectly fits—her arm, sized fourteen.

She searches racks and shelves for contraband.
The saleswoman, size four, doesn’t understand,
but directs her to elephant racks of sapphire
and neon orange striped muu muu type attire.
Full bodied, empty handed, she finds the foodstand.
One salad, size two, please. The price? Size fourteen.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Shopping Triumph

My husband and I had a gift card for Macy's, and he nicely insisted that I use it to buy new clothes (as my clothes are outgrowing me). Well, I've been putting off the shopping expedition for a few weeks now. Michal enjoys shopping, but I don't. I lose my patience easily and the bright lights give me a headache. I broke down yesterday, agreeing to "just get it over with." My biggest problem with clothes shopping, for myself, is how crappy I end up feeling. Even on my "good days"--you know, the days when I feel good about my body, wearing a cute outfit, don't care what anyone else thinks of me...shopping has a way of making me feel like crap. Maybe it is because of those revealing dressing room mirrors, or having to sort throught the tiny sizes (always in front) to get to my size, or maybe it is not fitting into the clothes I picked out...I mean, I THOUGHT that was my size! It looked right when I took it off the rack, didn't it? Well...I decided to be "realistic" on this shopping trip and only try on size 14 pants (which I recently fit back into). Guess what? They were all too big! Michal, the sweet man, ran back to the racks for me, searching for size 12's...that fit! Yup, I bought a cute pair of size 12 pants..the last pair of pants I bought were size 16! Plus, all the tops I tried on were also too big...so I down-sized those, and ended up buying a beautiful sweater, and a nifty blouse. The even better part: they were all on sale. I found a pair of pants that fit--and, they were marked down to $6! Originally $40-something! How great is that? I no longer dread shopping as much.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The PMS Queen

I have a PMS Queen living inside of me. She's trying to get out. I shut her up earlier with one Girl Scout cookie. It cost me 35 calories, but it shut her up long enough for me to take a nice walk during my lunch break. I'm attempting to avoid her demands for more cookies ("Just one," she says. "Or, two, or five, or seven, or the whole package!" Quite greedy), by eating pickles. I've had two now...can't eat anymore. They make me too thirsty. I'm drinking a lot of water, but still fighting the urge to go grab those cookies. I'm watching the minutes slowly, oh-so-slowly, tick away--waiting until I can leave the office, head home, leave these evil cookies behind me for the day. But, the wicked Queen won't let me be.
"Oh, you wretched Queen," I plead, to her wrathful pleasure. "Please, leave me alone."
"I won't," she screams, in my head. Oh, so very in my head. "Until you feed me cookies, let me lounge in bed, and drop bonbons into me whenever I want, I will continue beating your brain with my scepter and kicking your stomach with my ruby jeweled heels."
“Please, your Pissy Heinous, please, just let me be.”
“Cookies! Now!” Oh the shrillness of her voice.
So, here I am, combating the witch. If I give in, it won’t be the end of the world. But if I fight her demands off…oh, it will be a much healthier day. If only I didn’t have chocolate at home—that will begin a whole new battle. Perhaps it will be early to bed tonight.

Monday, April 02, 2007

When it rains...

...it pours...

I'm just feeling so down in the dumps lately. I haven't been motivated to do anything but eat chocolate chip cookies. Okay, that isn't true--I had a nice weekend with my husband, and I got all the laundry done! We even cleaned house--so everything looks so pretty. I worked on one of my stories. I snuggled and played with my kitties...even took them out in the rain, that was a funny one! I caught up on sleep. I made a healthy dinner Sunday night. We went out to dinner Saturday night--and just talked, it was nice. I drink plenty of water every day. I'm alive and healthy. I have a home and a wonderful husband and two adorable, lovable cats. My car runs. I have time to read on the bus every afternoon. I have two brand new pillows to sleep with at night. I can get fresh fruit year round. I have running water and electricity in my home. I have healthcare. I have friends and family who care about me. I was the lucky recipient of a care package from my grandma last weekend. I crocheted a pretty scarf last night. I have so much, I am thankful for it all.
But sometimes...I just feel so blue. And those chocolate chip cookies are really yummy--they have a hint of orange in them, does that count as a fruit?