Monday Morning...Happiness?

I woke up in a great mood this morning--shocking as it is a Monday! However, yesterday I decided to get serious about losing these final eleven pounds. With that in mind, I made sure I ate healthy foods all day, so maybe that contributes to my good mood this morning.
I packed a huge salad for lunch today, so if I overeat...it will only be lettuce. But, I'm not planning on overeating. (insert smiling face here)
I want to lose two pounds a week (that's considered healthy)...so, it should take me five and a half weeks. I need to be vigilant about it, especially as I have that girl's weekend in Vancouver, B.C., coming up.
My plans for accomplishing this goal includes tracking the food I eat, eating healthy foods, and working out on a consistent schedule. Treadmill, here I come. Oh joy!
In the end, it will be worth it. And, who knows? Maybe I'll drop another pant size.

Putting it to the Test!

Ah...finally posting in the present. I've been out of commission since last Friday because I had my bottom wisdom teeth taken out by an oral surgeon. The weekend, including Monday, went by in a haze--I was loaded with pain killers and antibiotics. I spent almost the entire time sleeping in bed, or immersed in the magical world of Harry Potter. My cats were more than pleased at my planting roots in bed.
However, getting back to my active, healthy lifestyle has been a challenge. Returning to work on Tuesday was tough. I find that I'm still tired and achy and sore. The walking I do everyday tires me out--it generally doesn't. I'm afraid to get back on the treadmill because I don't want to find I'm not as in shape as I was before this week of drudgery.
Back to it I will get though. Luckily, I ate healthy, soft foods the entire time, so I haven't gained any weight. I made sure I ate high-calorie foods since I was eating less because I didn't want to go into the dreaded starvation mode. That seems to have worked.
Now, I just need to get my energy levels back up, so I can get the cardio levels back up.

In the meantime, I'm sharing some yummy snacks with you. Click here to check out some 130 calorie blueberry muffins, with a hint of lemon/lime that gives it a kick (alter the ingredients to make it even less calories). And, click here to find a recipe for some wonderfully healthy 100 calorie pancakes (for when you need a special breakfast treat). Whole wheat packs in the fiber and vitamins, so make sure you use it.
Let me know what you think!

Almost Finished Reflecting, Ready To Look Ahead

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Time to Re-Commit!

My Major Motivation Points

Personal Appearance: I want to:
Look younger
Firm up what I have
Look better naked!
Wear a swim suit on the beach
Keep my thighs from rubbing

Health & Fitness: I want to:
Climb stairs without being winded
Live longer
Feel and be stronger
Have more energy
Run or walk a 5k, marathon, triathlon or other race

Friends, Family and Social Life: I want to:
Play and be active with my kids
Do more active things with my spouse/significant other
Stick around to see my grandkids grow up
Get in shape before I have a baby

Everyday Signs and Situations: I want to:
Be more confident in myself, with better self esteem
Walk into a room without feeling like people are staring
Have people ask if I have lost weight
Overcome shyness
Relax around other people and be myself
Prove to myself that I can do it.

My very first SP blog:
“For the last couple of years, I've gotten into the habit of using weekends as a time to be lazy (maybe to make up for the busy week). Even being lazy, I stressed out about schoolwork--but, being an English/Creative Writing major usually meant I could veg out on the couch or bed with a book for homework. Now that I'm serious about getting healthy and fit, and don't have homework to worry about anymore, I'm afraid that I will find other bad habits: watching TV all day, etc. But I could be using this time to do stuff, like I did today! I ran some errands this morning, walked 2.8 miles around a lake at a local park, and did some abs strengthening exercises. I feel great--and, don't feel like I'm wasting my precious weekend.
My hope for the day: To not lose the intentions I have right now of committing to this new lifestyle.”

Wow…I was so afraid when I wrote that post that I would give up this whole “healthy lifestyle” thing. But, now it is April (I wrote that in October), and I’m still doing it! I might not be as “hardcore” as I was at first, but I’ve really incorporated good habits into my lifestyle. What an accomplishment! While I do use the weekends to veg out a bit, I also accomplish a lot (my apartment gets a thorough cleaning, the week’s grocery shopping is always done, and Sunday is laundry day). I’m definitely not as stressed out anymore about everything like I used to be. I am not afraid to go out somewhere because I think people will think I look fat. I won’t decide not to do something because I don’t have anything comfortable to wear. I’m so glad I didn’t let myself down.

Something positive and true about me:
I never give up. Even if something seems difficult, even if I don’t want to do it, once I put my mind to something, I find a way, eventually to do it. For example, I can now run a 15 minute mile and not feel like I’m dying when I do it.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

List of Accomplishments (in no particular order) since joining SP

1. I've lost over thirty pounds.
2. I comfortably fit into a size 12 pants.
3. I can now jog a mile in 15 minutes.
4. I eat a healthy breakfast every single morning.
5. Since adding "flossing" to my daily goals to be checked off, it has become a habit to floss every night—no matter how tired I am.
6. I no longer feel uncomfortable in my body when I hang out with friends or go to family functions.
7. I don't mind being naked, with the lights on, in front of my husband.
8. I don't feel self-conscious when he looks at me when I'm naked, or if I see myself in the mirror.
9. I think before I eat. Even if I have seconds when I don’t need it, or eat a cookie—I am aware of it and have managed to make more healthy choices then unhealthy choices.
10. I only drink two cups of coffee a day. I used to drink a lot more. Now it is water, water, water.
11. I have become an “occasional drinker”—no more night glass or two of wine or a couple of beers. This was a long time coming!
12. I can run. If the crosswalk sign changes, I run for it and don’t feel self-conscious.
13. When I just “want” something, like a cup of hot chocolate, I stop and think about it first. Why do I want it? Am I trying to compensate for something? Am I bored and want to sip or munch on something? If I go for a walk, eat an apple, drink some water, will I still want it?
14. I think in about the long term. It is no longer about instant gratification. Do I want that soy chai latte? Is it worth the calories? Can I afford those calories today, or should I save them for something later? Do I really want to do extra cardio later to make up for it?
15. I no longer think of “if” I lose weight and become healthy, it is “when” I lose weight and am healthy.
16. Most importantly, the fear is gone. I’m not afraid that I can’t do it. I can do it, I am doing it. Sometimes it is tough, but look at how much I’ve done already!
17. My kitchen is always stocked with fresh fruit and veggies. My husband and I look forward to what the “fruit of the week” will be when we go grocery shopping.
18. My husband has followed my example and eats breakfast every day, makes a point not to buy things with trans fats, and enjoys talking about healthy alternatives…oh, and if we order a pizza—a rare occurrence—we go for the smaller size instead of the large size.
19. The fact that I can make this list is an accomplishment.
20. I talk openly about my weight and no longer hide it.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Slacking...

I feel like I've been slacking off a lot lately when it comes to losing weight, living healthy...etc...

I mean, I make more healthy choices than unhealthy ones, but I'm not as "into it" as I used to be. It is like I need a jumpstart. I just feel so pulled...in many directions. It is difficult to go workout when dinner needs to be made, or the bathroom cleaned, or an article written, or make tomorrow's lunches, or relax on the couch for just ten minutes, or iron those shirts...the list rambles on.

I know I'm much better and healthier than I was a year ago, or even eight months ago. But there is still room for improvement. I need to figure out how to stop letting everything pull me, and start doing the pulling!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Avoidance

Why haven't I written a blog for a little while?
--Oh...because I'm avoiding self-honesty. Self-confrontation. Myself. I'm avoiding myself!...because I hold myself accountable for the choices I make.

Have I been making healthy decisions lately?
--Sometimes. But not as often as I should be. On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being the healthiest...I give myself a 6. Now, a 6 isn't THAT bad, but it sure isn't great or awesome or outstanding. And, I deserve a 10. I want that gold star!

So, what do I do to get a 10?
--Make more healthier decisions. Stop putting off "until tomorrow or later or this afternoon" to make the healthier choice. That piece of chocolate or second helping I'm not really hungry for isn't the better, healthier choice. I will only feel worse if I choose it. So, make choices that make you feel good. Getting that exercise in today, not tomorrow, will make me feel better both today and tomorrow! Live for today, not tomorrow. Right?

Oh...I need more pep talks with myself. More importantly, I need to listen to myself!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Values equals Choices equals Consequences

Wow...time is flying, is it really June? I'm less than ten pounds away from being at a "healthy weight" bmi-wise. That is pretty cool. Best of all is that I'm feeling good about myself. I want to lose more weight and know I can make more healthy decisions, but I am a step closer to my goals every day. Michal and I were talking about how heavy we had gotten after we first got together--we are both so happy that those days are gone. We both look and feel so much better!
While it is still a struggle to enough cardio in--I have to force myself sometimes--or to avoid an extra piece of chocolate, at least it is a struggle. Before joining SP, I would have avoided cardio and consumed chocolate without even weighing the consequences. Values equals choices equals consequences.
I value my choice to live a healthy lifestyle with the consequence of feeling better, physically and emotionally.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What? It's June?

Yeah...still can't believe it is June. June of 2007! Jeez Louise.

So, I've started wearing my pedometer more this week. More = twice so far this week, when I had been using it maybe once a month. I want to start using it more often because it helps me move around more at this "sit at your desk" job...especially when it is difficult for me to fit other cardio into my schedule.

And, boy, has it been hard to fit that cardio in lately! Michal has been home a lot lately, so we've been spending more time together. Plus, I've actually been keeping my house clean...amazing.

The exercise is important though. I have a calendar on my refrigerator with a dinner menu on it for the entire month. Each week, when Michal gets his work schedule, I'm also going to write down on the calendar what kind of exercise to do on each day. Hopefully that will help.

I'm also going to start doing yoga again! I've felt so stressed out lately and my body is out of whack, so I think that will help. Just thinking about it relaxes me!

And, the Reflections Go Marching On!

We are getting closer and closer to the present. I promise.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Why is it so hard...

...to make healthy decisions when you don't feel so great? I've had a horrible headache all day--like there is a pressure pushing down on me. My jaw feels really tight, I've gotten a little dizzy a couple of times, and this damn sore in my mouth (where I nicely bit my cheek) is really hurting. And, I want to go home and exercise. I want to get on that treadmill and sweat. But, nothing sounds more appealing than curling up on my couch, or in bed, cuddling up with my kittens, and closing my eyes. I don't know what to do.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Carrying Sparks with me Everywhere

I was in the shower the other morning, my little radio shower cranked to a rarely found unfuzzy station, and a song came on that an SP friend mentioned to me. I sang along, and thought about just how much SP has spread into my life. Small things remind me of something one of my SP friends has said. We were grocery shopping this last weekend at Trader Joe's and I decided to buy the No Pudge Fudge Brownies. My husband looked at me questioningly. I told him, "I've heard it's really good!" He asked who I had heard it from, and I replied: "Oh, you know, from people on SP!" Comments like that don't even faze him anymore--he's used to it. It just feels so good to have the social aspect of SP to carry around with me. It helps to know that other people are on this journey too. Everyday it becomes easier to make more and more healthy decisions, and I believe a huge part of that is because I've gotten so much support from the friends I've made here.

Monday, February 05, 2007

The Frustrations of Progress

Wait, progress is frustrating? Well, sometimes, when the progress is slow. I know that losing weight slowly is the key to keeping it off...but come on! I only lost 0.4 pounds this week, and I'm working my butt off. Okay, I'm not really bitter. I'm actually thankful for a lot of things. Like: 1. The other day I was thinking about how great I will feel when I reach my goal. Oh, wait, when did "if" become "when"? I no longer think "if I reach my goal" but "when I reach my goal". 2. I don't mind my own reflection anymore. So I'm not as thin as I want to be, but I no longer avoid looking at myself in the mirror (or window reflections). I think I look good! 3. I feel a lot more comfortable around other people. I used to be so self-conscious about my own body. Now I just have a good time and don't even think about how my body looks, but how it feels. And it feels good to laugh and chat and be merry.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

On the Eve of Valentine's Day...

I'm feeling pretty good. My weight loss has slowed down, but I'm still losing! More importantly, I feel good. My clothes are getting so loose--they don't look good because they are toooo loose, and that is cool with me. Rather too loose than too tight, right? I can put all of my "fat" pants (the ones I bought because of my weight gain) on and off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I looked in the mirror last night before getting into the shower. I'm starting to look better naked. Even the husband is commenting on it. Really though, the bag of my legs look so much better! My butt is getting smaller! My thighs are getting smaller. The boobs are getting smaller too, which is okay because they were getting too big--I couldn't find cute bras in the right size. I'm also so much more active. I was on the treadmill today, and started reading a book. I thought I would take it easy today and read (because I have to concentrate to read and walk at the same time, so I have to walk slower than usual). Well, my body had other ideas. I had to put the book down so I could start jogging. It was as if my body craved a harder workout. That feels good--pushing myself, wanting to see how much I can do, how far I can go. My husband and I have become so much healthier this year. For Valentine's Day, we are not giving each other gifts, but appreciating our healthy hearts.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Fitting Room Safari

I wrote this poem last year, when I was actually a size 16...but saying 14 worked better with the language of the poem. It has been published in a small Hawaiian review...but it is my favorite. People always laugh at the right times when I read it at open mic's.

FITTING ROOM SAFARI
Sized fourteen woman—shops in an exotic land,
a jungle. She eyes the belted waistbands
of size ten tiger striped pants with desire;
snakishly long dresses, tags say six, require
tucked in stomachs, bellies must not expand.

Then, the perfect tube top. Imagine suntanned
shoulders, iced coconut and rum, soft sand.
Size two, bright as a parrot, the entire
top perfectly fits—her arm, sized fourteen.

She searches racks and shelves for contraband.
The saleswoman, size four, doesn’t understand,
but directs her to elephant racks of sapphire
and neon orange striped muu muu type attire.
Full bodied, empty handed, she finds the foodstand.
One salad, size two, please. The price? Size fourteen.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Shopping Triumph

My husband and I had a gift card for Macy's, and he nicely insisted that I use it to buy new clothes (as my clothes are outgrowing me). Well, I've been putting off the shopping expedition for a few weeks now. Michal enjoys shopping, but I don't. I lose my patience easily and the bright lights give me a headache. I broke down yesterday, agreeing to "just get it over with." My biggest problem with clothes shopping, for myself, is how crappy I end up feeling. Even on my "good days"--you know, the days when I feel good about my body, wearing a cute outfit, don't care what anyone else thinks of me...shopping has a way of making me feel like crap. Maybe it is because of those revealing dressing room mirrors, or having to sort throught the tiny sizes (always in front) to get to my size, or maybe it is not fitting into the clothes I picked out...I mean, I THOUGHT that was my size! It looked right when I took it off the rack, didn't it? Well...I decided to be "realistic" on this shopping trip and only try on size 14 pants (which I recently fit back into). Guess what? They were all too big! Michal, the sweet man, ran back to the racks for me, searching for size 12's...that fit! Yup, I bought a cute pair of size 12 pants..the last pair of pants I bought were size 16! Plus, all the tops I tried on were also too big...so I down-sized those, and ended up buying a beautiful sweater, and a nifty blouse. The even better part: they were all on sale. I found a pair of pants that fit--and, they were marked down to $6! Originally $40-something! How great is that? I no longer dread shopping as much.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

The PMS Queen

I have a PMS Queen living inside of me. She's trying to get out. I shut her up earlier with one Girl Scout cookie. It cost me 35 calories, but it shut her up long enough for me to take a nice walk during my lunch break. I'm attempting to avoid her demands for more cookies ("Just one," she says. "Or, two, or five, or seven, or the whole package!" Quite greedy), by eating pickles. I've had two now...can't eat anymore. They make me too thirsty. I'm drinking a lot of water, but still fighting the urge to go grab those cookies. I'm watching the minutes slowly, oh-so-slowly, tick away--waiting until I can leave the office, head home, leave these evil cookies behind me for the day. But, the wicked Queen won't let me be.
"Oh, you wretched Queen," I plead, to her wrathful pleasure. "Please, leave me alone."
"I won't," she screams, in my head. Oh, so very in my head. "Until you feed me cookies, let me lounge in bed, and drop bonbons into me whenever I want, I will continue beating your brain with my scepter and kicking your stomach with my ruby jeweled heels."
“Please, your Pissy Heinous, please, just let me be.”
“Cookies! Now!” Oh the shrillness of her voice.
So, here I am, combating the witch. If I give in, it won’t be the end of the world. But if I fight her demands off…oh, it will be a much healthier day. If only I didn’t have chocolate at home—that will begin a whole new battle. Perhaps it will be early to bed tonight.

Monday, April 02, 2007

When it rains...

...it pours...

I'm just feeling so down in the dumps lately. I haven't been motivated to do anything but eat chocolate chip cookies. Okay, that isn't true--I had a nice weekend with my husband, and I got all the laundry done! We even cleaned house--so everything looks so pretty. I worked on one of my stories. I snuggled and played with my kitties...even took them out in the rain, that was a funny one! I caught up on sleep. I made a healthy dinner Sunday night. We went out to dinner Saturday night--and just talked, it was nice. I drink plenty of water every day. I'm alive and healthy. I have a home and a wonderful husband and two adorable, lovable cats. My car runs. I have time to read on the bus every afternoon. I have two brand new pillows to sleep with at night. I can get fresh fruit year round. I have running water and electricity in my home. I have healthcare. I have friends and family who care about me. I was the lucky recipient of a care package from my grandma last weekend. I crocheted a pretty scarf last night. I have so much, I am thankful for it all.
But sometimes...I just feel so blue. And those chocolate chip cookies are really yummy--they have a hint of orange in them, does that count as a fruit?

Even More Early Reflections

They just keep on rolling in...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Secrets

There is a topic on the SP bulletin boards that has me intrigued: Why are we fat? It made me think about why I am fat. How did I get fat? I read the other posts and was amazed by how honest people were being. I believe that the ability to recognize why we are fat will help us live healthier lives, rather than simply diet.
But, there were a couple of posts that started to bother me. They said things like: these are all "excuses"--not, reasons...or, people "chose" to be fat. I think these criticisms could be detrimental to some people, even to those who make the comments. I know that I never made the big decision to get fat or to live an unhealthy lifestyle. In actuality, I made a lot of small decisions that led to me getting fat and helped me live an unhealthy lifestyle.
When I look at my life, I can see how I ended up making these decisions. There are so many outside factors that helped me make the decision: it wasn't all just ME. Along with this fact, I also know that these factors don't define me, nor do they take away from the fact that I did make my own choices. However, I know that I won't be able to keep making better choices now, and in the future, if I don't recognize and understand the things that helped me make the bad or unhealthy choices. I want to explore the things in my life that taught me how to make unhealthy decisions, or events and people who made choosing the unhealthy options easier. A lot of these will be secrets that I've kept to myself.
For me, getting fat was because I kept secrets. Revealing them is a huge part of how I will make healthy decisions and choices from now on.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Secrets, Continued...

I admitted a secret to my husband this weekend. I told him that I used to hide how much I ate. I told him that I’ve done this my whole life. It started as a child. I hid food in my house. My mom was obsessed with having a flat stomach and making sure her thighs didn’t rub together when she walked—then, she became obsessed with my weight. I was, after all, a massive 10 pounds when I was born (or so she always told me, until I saw my birth certificate). –By the way, I hardly consider a 10 pound baby, or any newborn, as fat.— Having a baby was what led her to her first fat picture, which she carried around with her at all times as a reminder not to eat. While she starved herself, surviving on tart, green apples and spicy beef jerky, I learned how to hide how much I ate from her. My grandma supplied me with little snacks that I hid in my room. Home alone after school, I would eat a bowl of ice cream in the bathroom, hiding the empty bowl under the sink if she came home before I could wash it in the kitchen.
In high school, I bought candy bars and packages of brownies and hid them in my room. Instead of throwing the incriminating wrappers away, I let them accumulate under my mattress and behind my bed—almost as if I wanted my mom to find them, which she eventually did. Boy, was that a fun day! She told me I had a serious problem. She was right, I did.
As an adult, I’ve always hid how much I eat. When I discovered alcohol, I often hid how much I drank (not saying I’m an alcoholic, but drinking went hand in hand with the pleasure of eating). I could control how much I consumed and control how much other people knew about what I consumed. On nights my husband worked late, I would eat and eat and eat. I couldn’t stop until he got home. I would feel awful, my stomach full and bloated. I would think, again, why can’t I force myself to throw up? Why can’t I be like my mom?...because, that’s what mom did after she broke down and ate: threw it all up.
Eating out or at the houses of friends and family, I tried to always eat less than everyone else, so they would think I didn’t eat as much as I really did. I’ve even volunteered to clean up after dinner, so I could eat more as I put leftovers away…when nobody could see me. I was allowed to help myself at my grandma’s house, but I still snuck into the kitchen whenever I wanted to snack. Although she wouldn’t have cared or judged me for eating, I still didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.
How much I ate was a secret from everyone, I didn’t even want to know how much I ate.
Wow. I just typed whatever I thought…it was a stream of consciousness: a free write. I can’t believe I used to be that person. It is so much easier, and feels better, to be so open now about what I eat, how much I exercise, and how much I weigh. Sometimes it seems hard, but it feels much better to be honest. No more secrets.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Motivation, where are you?

I haven't been motivated to exercise lately. I've been sick this last week, so I haven't felt very guilty about cutting back on my cardio. BUT, I also know that the week before getting the cold, I was already starting to drag my feet when it came time to exercise. I don't know why I suddenly don't want to do it. At the same time, I find myself craving that feeling of strength when I'm working out. I miss the good feelings I have after working out. I even miss the drenching sweat! I just can't find the energy to do it. I'm going for a long walk today, plus moving some boxes to our new apartment, so I should get some moderate exercise in. By the end of the week, I hope to work back up to my heavy duty kickboxing and aerobic routine again. Hopefully, I'll have kicked this cold out the door by then.
But, oh, why is motivation so difficult to keep a hold of?

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Surveying the Damage: Surviving Christmas

So here we are, the day after Christmas. I have an arsenal at home, a stockpile of cookies, rocky road, fudge, choclate covered pretzels, pumpkin bread...all homemade and personalized. All the loving gifts of friends and family. Some of it is leftovers from the gifts I made for others. None the less, this landmine of sweets is scattered throughout my kitchen. I did pretty well over the holiday weekend. I know I burned a lot of calories moving and ice skating, but I also consumed a lot of extra, yummy calories. I still lost a pound over the weekend though!
I am so ready to show the sweets the back of my hand, shake my head defiantly, and eat healthy! I'm going to go home today and have a smoothie instead of a cookie, a salad instead of fudge, and workout instead of wine. Tomorrow, I'll bring a lot (but not all) of the leftovers to work and unleash them on my co-workers. But, it is oh-so-hard to pass up the tempatations...until I look in the mirror and see how far I've come, and how far I still have to go!

Thursday, December 28, 2006

The reality of it is...

that I used to want to lose weight, but never did anything about it. The fact that I'm losing weight now is because I took control of the situation and made it happen. Losing the pounds, and the inches, is scary. It forces me to see how much I can accomplish when I really want something. I was unhappy with how I looked and felt, so I made some goals, and changed my lifestyle. How is that scary, you say? Well, if I can do this, and reach my goals with this, then I must do it in all areas of my life. And, that is scary! I have to admit, though, that it is also exciting. If I can take control of my health, then what is stopping me from taking control of the other things in my life that aren't fulfilling?
The answer is ME!!! I'm the only thing standing in the way of accomplishing all my goals and feeling fulfilled in life. I am the one who makes the choices about my life, and how I live it. So, if I'm unhappy, then I'm the one who needs to make the changes--I cannot wait for things to change, I need to make the changes. That's a lot of responsibility, but seeing that I can do it with this weight loss really helps. I feel stronger emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Of course, I have a long way to go, but that is life, isn't it?

More Early Reflections

And, the look back continues...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

The Greatness of Tuesday

Tuesday is a great day because:
the next day is Wednesday.

Wednesday is a great day because:
it is the middle of the week, and the next day is Thursday.

Thursday is a great day because:
the week is almost over! Only one more day until the weekend...the next day is Friday!

Friday is a great day because:
it's Friday, duh. Fridays just feel special because they are the end of the work week and the beginning of the weekend.

And, I get to weigh in on Saturday. I'm excited about that. But, I'm also scared that I won't have lost any pounds. Even more scary is the thought that I might have gained weight. I'm measuring myself too, so I do that on Saturday also.

Oh! And, this is my birthday weekend! Yea!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Temptation

I was tempted today by cookies. I could have eaten them and stayed in my nutrition goals, but I managed to pass. It wasn't easy. I felt pretty down after lunch, maybe from the carbs in my slice of bread. I felt tired and didn't want to think. It was like moving through a dream. The feeling didn't go away until I got home, said hello to my sweet kittens, and worked out. I worked out longer today than usual--to get through the feelings I was having. I feel so much better now, and I passed on the cookies!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Hurray for Thursday

Thursdays are great days. I'm having a good one. I worked out, stayed in my nutrition limits, got enough sleep, and stayed in a good mood. My biggest problem was...okay, two problems.
1. I got really tired at work. In the afternoon, my throat started to feel swollen, I felt really tired, and I couldn't stop yawning. Maybe I should take a walk during my lunch break to wake up or something.
2. I didn't feel as motivated to workout today as I did yesterday. I just didn't want to. I did anyway, but not as much as I could have.
Tomorrow is another day.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Keep on going!

I had my first stumble this weekend. I started to doubt myself and my ability to live a healthy lifestyle. It was difficult to recover from a small splurge I went on--it took everything in me not to let the guilt take over. I wasn't able to spend as much time on Monday tracking everything and reading on SP as I usually do--it turns out that this website is a HUGE motivator for me. It makes me feel connected to something larger, so I don't feel like I'm doing this all alone. I'm not carrying the whole burden all by myself. When I got onto SP yesterday, it was amazing how my motivation came rushing back. I entered all the missing foods and (minimal) excercise of the two days I had missed and found that it wasn't actually bad (I was within my limits--but, could have done a bit more working out).
But then I had another hard time: when I got home from work yesterday, I didn't feel like working out. I kept trying to make excuses not to...like back when I was in school and tried to justify reasons to miss a class without feeling guilty the whole time. I failed at that (thankfully) and popped in a kickboxing tape. Although I don't feel I get as much cardio in when I do the kickboxing, it really makes me feel strong and powerful. I focused on my punches and kicks, making my despair and negative feelings my targets. After working out, I felt so much better. It even motivated me to do some tasks around my apartment that I've been putting off.
On the other hand, it reminded me of how much work I still have to do to make living a healthy lifestyle a normal part of my life. That struggle to make the right decision is exhausting. Knowing that I will feel really guilty if I miss out on an opportunity to build a healthy lifestyle (without a valid excuse, like being sick) helps out. Just hoping I keep it up!

Early Reflections on the Journey

Here are some posts I created on sparkpeople.com when I first began this journey to health. I will be sharing these for the next few days, just so everyone knows how it was at the beginning. I'm at a completely different place now than I was then.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

An Active Weekend...

For the last couple of years, I've gotten into the habit of using weekends as a time to be lazy (maybe to make up for the busy week). Even being lazy, I stressed out about schoolwork--but, being an English/Creative Writing major usually meant I could veg out on the couch or bed with a book for homework. Now that I'm serious about getting healthy and fit, and don't have homework to worry about anymore, I'm afraid that I will find other bad habits: watching tv all day, etc. But I could be using this time to do stuff, like I did today! I ran some errands this morning, walked 2.8 miles around a lake at a local park, and did some abs strengthening exercises. I feel great--and, don't feel like I'm wasting my precious weekend.
My hope for the day: To not lose the intentions I have right now of committing to this new lifestyle.

Sunday, October 15, 2006

One Day at a Time.

I feel like I went from being addicted to eating food to being addicted to this website. I spend so much time on this site everyday. It feels good to eat less. I love keeping track of everything I eat. So far, I haven't had any cravings. Unhealthy food doesn't even appeal to me. I haven't craved chocolate, sweets, or Mexican food yet. When Michal eats chocolate at night, I pass or only have one piece. I've limited myself to two beers the last couple of nights (and only want to drink on weekends). When Michal goes for another beer, I honestly don't want one when he asks. I barely made it through my second one last night.
I'm so afraid that all of these good intentions I'm feeling right now will go away. I don't want to crash and burn.
I want to be healthy. I want to lose weight. I want to fit into my clothes again. I want to feel comfortable in my body, with my body. I want to be more active. I want to feel empowered.

Monday, October 16, 2006

A Reflection on My First Tough Day

Today was my first tough day. I got a little stressed out at work and it really affected my mood. I only took fifteen minutes for lunch, and it was late in the day--so, I ate too quickly. It made me feel too full too fast (luckily I take my own lunches, so at least it was something good for me).
When I got home from work, I didn't have the enthusiasm and optimism I've felt since starting this program/diet/lifestyle. I wanted cheesey Mexican food, chocolate of every kind (picturing Augustus Gloop in Willy Wonka's chocolate river), and to drink my gloominess away...all while lounging on my couch watching stupid TV. Yup, I was going to jump off the deep end into a vat of cheese, chocolate, and alcohol.
But, I thought about it some more. I remembered that I have to take it one day at a time. I need to remake the choice to live a healthy lifestyle. Then, I realized I will have to struggle with making that choice over and over...day after day...sometimes, several times a day. I wrestled with myself until I found the teeniest bit of strength buried deep inside, and I pulled it out.
I used that strength to put an Abs workout tape in the VCR. I worked off every ounce of frustration, despair, and gloominess. By the end of the workout, I felt great. It helped lift my spirits and reminded me of how much I want to be healthy.
So, no cheesey craziness, chocolatey gooeyness, mind-numbing alcohol, or body-weakening couch.

I'm a stronger person for it.

How It All Began

The Basics
Until last October, my weight had been gradually climbing higher and higher for a few years. It took me a long time to realize I was fat. In October of 2006, I decided to change my lifestyle because I wanted (and still want) to be healthy. Part of me wishes I had started a journal then, but I guess it wasn't the right time for me to write about everything I was going through.
Since October, I've lost over 40 pounds. I still want to lose more, but I know I've gotten over the most difficult hurdle to health.
This blog will be devoted to my continued weight loss and quest for a healthy lifestyle. I did do some blogging on sparkpeople.com (a great site that is full of helpful weight loss, nutrition, fitness, and motivational tools) while losing the initial 40 pounds, so I will repost those here--just to give you a sense of beginning to my journey.

The Trigger
I attended a wedding last summer with some great friends. I no longer had any clothes that fit suitable enough to wear to a wedding. It killed me to go buy new clothes in larger sizes. Still, though, I felt pretty good about how I looked--until the pictures from the wedding were developed! I really couldn't believe how big I looked. I started going through all of my other pictures, and I didn't like how I looked in any of them. I had gotten fat.
After the wedding (which was in Pennsylvania), my husband and I headed back to Washington (where we live). My grandma had just had surgery and some minor complications, so we went to spend a few days helping her out. I realized that my husband never knew my grandma when she was active and always on the move. She still does so much, but it is hard for her to move around. She has health problems, bad knees, and she's heavy. I realized that I want to be healthy when I have children and I want to be an active grandparent some day.
When we finally finished our summer travelling and settled down in Seattle, I began a new job. I found that I couldn't climb the flights of stairs up to my office (I'm not a fan of elevators, but still use them at times) without huffing, puffing, turning bright red, and feeling like I could die.
Not only was I fat, no longer fitting into my clothes, but I was also out of shape. Crap.

The Beginning
I decided that enough was enough. I knew that if I didn't make the changes now, I never would. It was time to be healthier. I didn't want to go on a diet because diets are temporary--I wanted to make a permanent change. I began researching different programs online and came across sparkpeople.com. Now, this site works great for me, but everyone has their own preferences. There are other sites and programs out there that might work better for you.
It was a secret at first because I didn't want anyone to know if I failed at this attempt to live healthier. The longer I kept at it, the more people I started telling about it.
This is what I did:

• Tracked the calories I consumed.
• Tracked the calories I burnt.
• Began and followed an exercise schedule.

Those are the basics. I also began reading articles and learning more about nutrition and fitness. I learned how to balance my diet with the right amounts of carbs, protein, and fat. Sometimes, I fought huge battles with myself:

"You will work out right now!"

"No, I want to lie on the couch, watch a movie, and eat chocolate."

"Don't you dare, you go put that aerobics tape in this minute."

I even bribed myself. If I could convince myself to make a healthy decision instead of an unhealthy one, I would promise myself a piece of dark chocolate when I got home.

It was a tough time, but worth it each time I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers go down or felt my pants getting looser.